It is amazing how I became the Mom to Mom. I was doing better at letting her go independantly on the little mini van that picks her up at home to take her to a little ladies group or to the beauty salon. When it arrives I escort her on and I know those two locations have reliable people to see her get off as well as sit with her and wait for the return trip. I was really getting used to it until she had her latest episode with her heart. Last week I asked a neighbor to drive her to spend time with her friends. This week they are having a Christmas party and of course she wants to go and she does not want me to ask the neighbor. She wants me to let her go on the van. I know I am making my decision based on emotions. While of course I dont want anything to happen to Mom it also scares me because if something happens it will further complicate my life. I know that sounds selfish. Lets face it however, should she fall or slip and break her hip Im really going to have my job ahead of me. I dont know why Im thinking this way. I know it is ridiculous. I know I am going to draw negative to me just for these horrible visions. I know that something could happen with me there just as it can with her alone. I know all of this. I dont know why Im feeling so concerned to let her go.
I do know that I must. I do know that I will. I do know that all will turn out fine. I do know that I cant fix everything. I do...Im just being truthful when I write it is hard to not hold her hand. I try so hard to protect her. I know things are out of my control. I know this. I take her to the doctor regularly, she has blood work aall the time and the fact her artery was getting blocked was not noticed by anyone is a sure reminder there are things I cannot control.
I must stop being overly protective based on what ifs and emotions. I now know how she felt on my first day of school, or my first date, or whatever she saw me leave her to do with prayers I come home safe. Just like I survived, so will she.
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The fear and anxiety will trap you and consume you if you let it. Let those who can look after her do so, you need the break, she does too, as well as feeling that little bit of independence that she has left. You know this stuff, we've talked, you've read about it in my blogs and heard it on the talk radio. But, I know it is a hard thing to get a grip on and not be fearful and anxious. Love ya New Yawker....
ReplyDeleteI agree with donna m let Mum have what little independence is left. If something happens it will not be because you have been neglectful. You have to be able to relax at some point and say ce sera sera. Mum has to be able to relax and say she is still able to do things for herself.
ReplyDeleteIt still concerns me that I have to go to work and leave Phil but I have to trust that everything will be ok. If I sat here all day waiting and watching I would go mad.
I guess we have to put a lot of our life in God's hands. He knows best.
Bachs Rescue Remedy may help Donna. I rely on it totally to get through some days. Take care and try not to take on the world. T xx
thank you both and as always you were right...she came home fine with her christmas sweater on all bubbling with stories of the day. I must work on separating those emotions and have faith in the man above. I cant control or know everything....I love you both...thanks again for the words of inspiration.
ReplyDeleteIt is always good to have the doubts though Donna- it saves us becoming complacent. But we have to also have the courage to let some things just happen.
ReplyDeleteIts difficult enough being a carer without always having to get it right. Take care and hope Christmas goes well.
I am snowed in and have missed two days off work. Not a good thing for a workaholic!! xx